relationships

Homework For A Divided World

/ Scott / 3 Comments

It seems like much of the world is divided, distrustful, and fearful of one another.  It’s evident on the evening news, in social media, and out in public.  But does it have to be like this?  Is this really the type of world we have to live in?  I don’t think so.

So how do we start to change the culture of our communities, our countries, and our world?

I was at a black history month event on Tuesday evening when I heard someone give their answer to this question.  Simply put, they said, “Get to know someone who is different from you.”  I love this response because it is so simple, yet so significant.

When we earnestly get to know someone different from us, with the motivation to understand them better, we become less fearful and distrustful of them, because we now have a frame of reference.  It’s easy to fear and distrust what we don’t know or have never come in contact with.

Here’s an interesting thought to ponder:  There is probably someone who is fearful of you, because you are different from them.  Wouldn’t it be great if we could alleviate the fear in others simply by being open, welcoming ambassadors of whatever group we represent?

Here’s some life-long homework for all of us:

  1. Get in the habit of regularly interacting with someone who is different from you.
  2. Become a welcoming ambassador for whatever group you represent.

We can either increase fear or distrust in ourselves and others, or we can do our best to decrease these feelings by doing our homework.

The world could use a lot less fear and distrust among its inhabitants.  Let’s all make sure to get our homework done.

Seek Someone Who Has Been There

/ Scott / Leave a comment

Have you ever started a new undertaking and quickly realized, “I’m really not sure what to do first… next… at all”?

I’m glad I’m not the only one!

Whenever we feel like this, I think the best thing we can do is to seek out someone who has already been where we currently want to go, and ask them questions about their experience.

The unknown can be a scary place that keeps us from new experiences or reaching new heights.  However, when we hear someone tell us about how they navigated a path that is currently before us, somehow it seems less mysterious.  We begin to see our own journey take shape.  We’re able to see the steps required, as well as potential pitfalls to be avoided.

If you’re starting down a new and uncertain path, and you’re not sure what the journey looks like, find someone who has already traveled down that road and task them to tell you about their journey.  Not only will you gain valuable insight from their experience; they’ll very likely be eager to share with you what they’ve learned.

Remembering What We Forget

/ Scott / Leave a comment

2017 was a good year, filled with learning, new experiences, and good times with family and friends.  But with all the good memories and experiences I can recall from the past 12 months, I wonder how much of what I did in 2017 I have completely forgotten.

I did some quick math.  Did you know there are 525,600 minutes in a 365 day year?  (I think there’s a song from the musical Rent that mentions this.)  That’s a lot of minutes!  No wonder we forget so much.

While I’m not interested in remembering every one of those 525,600 minutes, I do want to make sure I preserve more of the significant and meaningful memories I’ll make in 2018 and the years beyond.  Doing so not only bring joy, it also improves the quality of our lives.

In an effort to better preserve future memories, my plan is to regularly do the following:

Journal:  While it has been an activity I have struggled to parlay into a daily habit, I really enjoy the act of journaling.  What I enjoy even more is reading, in my own words, about an experience I have forgotten.  It is a great tool for triggering forgotten memories

Take pictures:  Pictures can instantly take me back to a time, place, or experience and instantly fill my mind with great memories.  Therefore, it is also good to display the most meaningful ones so that you intersect with them often.

Recall memories with the people you made them with:  Beyond simply preserving memories, this is a great way to strengthen relationships.

What are some things you can do to preserve the memories you’ll make in 2018 and beyond?  Find a couple of methods for recalling memories and be diligent in employing them.  Then, go and live a life worth remembering.

Leaving Them Better Than You Found Them

/ Scott / Leave a comment

When it comes to leadership, one of my favorite people to read about is legendary UCLA basketball coach John Wooden.  Aside from his prowess at building championship caliber basketball teams, he seemed to be even more skilled at building championship caliber people.

If you want a great read on Coach Wooden’s teaching, check out his book, “The Essential Wooden”.  My favorite parts in this book are the recollections from his players about what they learned from Coach or how he impacted their lives.  The common thread that runs through most recollections I hear of Coach Wooden is how he left people better than he found them.

Coach Wooden inspires me, because I think that most people would like to have a similar impact in the lives of others.  I know I would.  And although most of us may never coach a Division I basketball program to multiple championships, we all have the capacity to be a positive influence to those around us.

Begin the habit of looking for opportunities to leave the people around you better than you found them.  This could be as simple as offering a smile or kind word to someone, or more involved like mentoring, advising, or providing a listening ear.

Whatever you have to offer, the opportunities to do so are abundant.  We only have to be willing to engage.

How We See Others

/ Scott / Leave a comment

If you’re looking for a feel-good movie this holiday season, I recommend you check out Wonder.  It’s a story about the challenges of a 5th grade boy who was born with some birth defects that resulted in a scarred and unusual looking face.  Beyond his struggles in school, Wonder is a great story about the capacity we all have to choose what we see in those around us.

What made this movie so touching was how a few of the kids at his school began to look past this boy’s disfigured face and see the positive attributes he possessed.  Once they focused beyond his appearance, they soon realized that he looked less like a freak and more like a friend.

While we may not be 5th graders any longer, we still have the choice in how we see those around us.   Let’s be aware of the opportunities we have to see beyond the appearances of those around us, and to focus on the things that matter, like character and kindness.  Because wouldn’t we like to be seen the same way by others?

What We Don’t Know

/ Scott / Leave a comment

We think we know more than we actually do.  Consider the following scenarios:

Scenario What we think
Someone cuts us off in traffic. They are mean-spirited jerks and did that to us on purpose.
Someone is short or rude with us. They are also a jerk, just like the person who cut us off in traffic!  What a jerk.  What a rude jerk!
We reach out to someone via email, text, or phone call and they don’t respond. They must be mad at us.

The “What we think” column sounds rather petty as I write this, but I’ll admit that I’ve often made quick judgments in similar scenarios.   What I’ve discovered is that my quick judgments, like the ones above, are seldom, if ever, accurate.

What if, for example:

  • The person who cut us off in traffic didn’t see us when they were getting over and would have been mortified to know they had done that.
  • The person who was short with me just got a bad medical diagnoses about themselves or a loved one.
  • The person who didn’t respond to an email or text has been preoccupied with an urgent family emergency or has just been busy and hasn’t had the chance to respond, even though they have been thinking about us.

The next time we’re presented with a similar scenario, let’s consider something besides or initial negative judgement; perhaps a response with a little more grace and understanding.  Just like the type of response we’d like to receive.

Becoming More Mature

/ Scott / 2 Comments

“Maturity does not always come with age.  Sometimes age comes alone.”

~ John C. Maxwell

We often think of maturity as the natural byproduct of getting older; as something that just happens on a parallel track with our age.  However, there is a big difference:  maturity comes from being intentional, while age is automatic.

Becoming more mature is something we can do at any age.  For example, we can:

  • Be aware of how our actions impact others, as well as how they impact us.
  • Evaluate our different life experiences (learning what has worked for us and what hasn’t) and apply what we’ve learned.
  • Fill our minds with positive content that will help us become the type of person we want to be.
  • Extend gratitude, compassion, and grace to those around us.

While this isn’t an exhaustive list on how to become more mature, it’s a good starting point.

Maturity doesn’t just happen.  We’re fortunate that becoming more mature is a choice we can all make for ourselves.

Let’s choose wisely.

Taking It In

/ Scott / Leave a comment

I was looking forward to viewing the solar eclipse that made its way across the United States earlier this week.  The experience was far beyond my expectations.

It’s hard to put into words just how awesome, beautiful or surreal the scene was.  From the first glimpse of the moon beginning to cover the sun to the main even of the total eclipse and diamond ring, it was an event I will never forget.

Before the big day arrived, I decided I wasn’t going to take any pictures during the 2 minutes of the eclipse.  My thinking was there would be plenty of other people capturing the moment, who had much better photography skills than I possess.  Instead, I decided to just watch the event and take it in.

I made a good choice.  It was nice to be totally in the moment without distraction.

While taking pictures is a great way to capture a moment, at times, I think the best way to preserve a memory is to give an event, or person, our undivided attention.  Not every event or occasion requires we reach for a device to take a picture.  Sometimes, all we need to do is just take it in.

Signaling

/ Scott / Leave a comment

What does each of these items have in common?

  • A car’s blinker
  • A rattling rattlesnake (I experienced this just last month!)
  • Outstretched arms and a smile

They are all signals that communicate something to those in the area.  A car’s blinker signals the driver is about to make a turn.  A buzzing rattlesnake signals that it feels threatened and wants you to move away.    Open arms and a smile almost always signals that you’re about to get a hug!

Every day we encounter and respond to multiple signals, quite often without even being aware of them.  In fact, I think that we’re often not aware of what signals we’re actually sending to others.

Consider the following:

If we… We are likely signaling…
Have our headphones or earbuds in… We aren’t interested in interacting with others or don’t want to be disturbed.

 
Are focused on our smartphone when we’re in the presence of others… There’s something more important, or more interesting, than what we’re involved in right now.

 
Look someone in the eye and ask questions when talking with them… We are interested in them and what they’re talking about.

 
Say “Hi” to someone we know when we see them… We noticed them and that they are important enough to us to say “Hello”.

 
Smile… We are friendly and approachable.

 

Think about what you’re regularly signaling to those around you.  Do those signals accurately reflect the message you want to send or the person you want to be?

Let’s work at being aware of the signals were sending those around us and, where applicable, consider signaling something more positive.

Experiences Versus Things

/ Scott / Leave a comment

Last week my wife and I took our nephew to Crater Lake.  During the school year he did a report on Crater Lake (complete with a presentation in front of the class) so it was fun to be there when he first laid his eyes on the subject of his study.  We all had a great time seeing the lake, taking a tour around the rim, and visiting the lodge and visitor center.  It was a very enjoyable shared experience that we will all remember for many years to come.

I love shared experiences where good lasting memories are made.  Not only does the experience make my life more rich and interesting, sharing the memories with the people who were also there is a great way to not only relive the experience, but to build connections and deepen relationships with those involved.

Isn’t that what life is about:  sharing experiences, creating memories, and building relationships with others?

Keep your eyes open for opportunities to have positive shared experiences with those closest to you and then take advantage of those opportunities.  By doing so you’ll be building relationships as well as memories.