emotional control

We Choose

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We get to choose how we respond to what life throws at us.  There’s a lot of responsibility that comes with that statement.  Regardless of whether our response is good or bad, we are the ones who chose the response.

While it’s easy to take credit for our good choices, it’s not as fun to acknowledge that our poor choices are just that… our choices.  In these cases, it’s often easier to blame our poor choices on those things that shift responsibility away from us.  Have you ever shifted responsibility for your choices with one of these excuses:

  • If they hadn’t <insert someone else’s behavior>
  • If only <insert circumstance>
  • I just can’t help myself
  • I’m so <insert emotion> that don’t feel like <insert the choice you know you should make>
  • I get so <insert emotion> that I just <insert the choice you know you shouldn’t make>

With this responsibility come freedom.  We have the freedom to choose a response that would lead to a desired outcome versus letting our emotions choose for us.

A Quick Thought On Bringing Up Concerns

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Have you ever been in a meeting or a conversation where you wanted to bring up a concern that you had, but you didn’t?  I think we’ve all experienced something like that.  I know I have. 

If we choose not bring up a concern when we have the opportunity to do so, it’s important to remember that we are then giving up our right to complain about it later.  

Being Curious

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I heard someone talking about mindfulness recently, in a way that I hadn’t heard it discussed before.  They mentioned that when you’re mindful, you’re able to be curious about how you’re feeling in a situation before you just automatically respond to it. 

For example, if a car cuts you off, is your first inclination to lay on the horn, assume the worst about the other driver, or worse?  (Yeah, me too!)  If, however, we’re being “mindfully curious” we might instead ask something like:

  • “Why am I so upset by someone else’s driving? “
  • “I wonder what caused them to do that?”
  • “Why do I feel the need to vent my frustration at this person?”
  • “Is this how I’d want another driver to treat me if I accidently cut them off in traffic?”   

I’ll speak for myself here, but it often seems like I have an autopilot of negative responses that assume the worst in people.  These responses manifest themselves in my thoughts, words, and behavior with hardly any effort on my part.  They feel almost automatic.

Being a person, whose knee-jerk reaction is to respond negatively, is not who I want to be.  As a result, I’m going to work on being more curious of how I feel when I want to react negatively, so that I can gain some perspective and make a better decision.  A decision that better aligns with the person I want to be. 

They Can Both Be True

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We like black and white absolutes.  This is good and that is bad.  This person is nice, that person is mean. 

We like these absolutes because their easy to understand.  However, as you’ve probably notice, no everything is so black and what.  In fact, sometimes opposing realities can exist at the same time.

I have a friend whose dad passed away on Christmas day several years ago.  In his case, is Christmas day a good day or a bad day?  Is it a day to look forward to or a day to anticipate with grief.  Is it filled with joy or sadness.

The answer is, “Yes”.

Sometimes the comfort and certainty of black and white is replaced with diametrically opposite realities.  In my friend’s case, Christmas can be a day of great joy, while at the same time being a day of sadness and loss.     

I’ve found in my own life that it’s helpful to acknowledge scenarios when two or more opposite realities are true at the same time.  Beyond just acknowledging, it’s also helpful to learn to hold those 2 realities at the same time.  One doesn’t have to be true while the other is false.  They can both be true at the same time. 

A New Story

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As part of the work I do, I’m required to occasionally take proficiency exams related to the software we use.  Even though exams are multiple choice, they aren’t easy.  They require significant study and focus.  I usually do pretty good on multiple choice tests, but that wasn’t always the case.

Back in college, my multiple-test-taking-ability was not very good.  One of the main reasons why was because I use to tell myself, “I’m not any good at taking multiple choice tests.”  If I didn’t immediately know the answer to a question on a test, I’d usually just guess.  As you can imagine, this didn’t lead to great test scores.  It also reinforced the story I’ve been telling myself about how bad I was at test taking. 

When I first realized that exams would be a regular part of my tenure in my current position, I was worried.  Then I started thinking about why I was bad at test taking, and realized it wasn’t a sentence, but rather a story that could be changed.  So, I changed the story I was telling myself about my test taking abilities.  I started telling myself that, “I will easily pass tests on the first try because I will be prepared and will critically think about the answers I give, versus just guessing.”

Just like I became a poor test taker, because of the story I told myself in college, I have now become a good test taker who is prepared and easily passes because I decided to tell myself a different story about who I was.

Do you have story you’ve been telling yourself that hasn’t been serving you well?  If so, consider telling yourself a more encouraging story, and then start living into it. 

We Get To Decide

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Just a quick reminder this week, that we get to choose how we respond to events in our life. 

It’s easy to think that we can’t help ourselves, or to blame others (or our emotions) for how we respond to the stimulus in our life.  While we can blame, the truth is, we get to decide how we respond.

Let’s decide, and then follow through, on making good choices. 

Challenging But Worth It

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I’m going to talk about one of Jesus’s principles this week, so be warned.  If that’s not your thing, come back next week.  😊

“If you only love the loveable, do you expect a pat on the back?” Luke 6:30 Msg.

It’s easy to love those who love, us, or to be kind to people who are kind to us.  However, Jesus teaches that we’re also to be kind to those who aren’t kind to us.  And to love those who don’t love us.  This is challenging teaching.  It’s even more challenging to put into practice.

I’ve had the “opportunity” to put this teaching into practice with a couple of people for the past 11 months.  It has, indeed, been challenging, but I can also report that with prayer and commitment to Jesus’s teaching, it has gotten a little easier.  Not easy, just slightly easier that it was 11 months ago.

Jesus’s teaching is for our benefit, because he wants what’s best for us.  Following this particular principle has kept my heart from festering with disdain or hate toward others, and has instead caused me to regularly cast my gaze toward Jesus for his assistance, strength, and peace.  All of which I have received.

So, while it’s been challenging, I can also report that it’s been what’s best for me.  I have peace instead of anger, and gratitude for His teaching instead of animosity toward others.

It’s a nice place to be.

Lift Or Limit

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As I was journaling this morning, I was reminded how our self-talk can limit or lift how we see ourselves.  Think about that, the words you tell yourself, about yourself (whether audibly or simply thought), have a direct impact on how you feel and think about who you are.

Taking this thought a little further, what we think/feel, about ourselves, will influence our actions.  And, the actions we consistently take are what shapes the lives we ultimately build for ourselves.

The question that feels like it needs to be asked is, “Do you like what you’ve built?” 

If your answer is, “Yes”, great!  However, if your answer is, “No”, it might be reflecting on you’ve talking to yourself to discern if there’s any negative thoughts or talk you’ve regularly had with yourself.

It might even be time to start a new, positive conversation with yourself… because you’re worth it.

Grateful For The Example

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I was listening to a podcast recently about the book, “Up From Slavery” by Booker T. Washington.  The positive attitude Mr. Washington possessed, both during and after facing terrible social injustices, blew me away.  I’ve since gone to the library and checked out this book so I can read it for myself.

Based on a few of excerpts from the book, that were read on the podcast, I was struck with how Washington chose positivity, focus, and growth, when he could have easily chosen bitterness, anger, and apathy.  Regardless of what happened to him that was outside of his control, he was focused on becoming a certain type of person.  Excuses were shattered by him, and circumstances were simply part of the landscape he had to navigate to get where he wanted to go.  Quite simply, the guy was remarkable.

Washington reminds me that if he can become a positive man of character, in spite of all the roadblocks and injustices he’s faced, then what excuse do I have not to do likewise?  I’m grateful for his example.      

Looking For Excuses

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It’s so easy to find an excuse to get out of doing something you don’t want to do.  Have you ever thought of looking for excuses to do what you know you should be doing?  

For example, maybe you go to the gym every morning when you wake up.  However, on this particular morning, it’s dark, cold, and rainy out when you wake up.  The easy excuse to get out of going to the gym is, “It’s cold and wet outside, but it’s nice and warm in bed.  I’m going to skip the gym today and go tomorrow.” 

At this point, you could also look for an excuse to go to the gym, regardless of the weather.  Your excuse to do what you know you should do, might be, “It’s kind of crappy out, but I’m already awake, and I’ll feel good once I’m done.  There really isn’t a good reason not to go.”

Looking for excuses to follow through, instead of mailing it in, is  a way to reframe the discussions we often have with ourselves when we’re trying to take the easy route.  Often times we just need to give ourselves a little pep talk, or light a fire for ourselves.  And often, a good excuse is just what we need.