human relations

Enjoy what’s in Season

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It was bound to start happening, and it did a few weeks ago. I’m beginning to see subtle changes hinting at the imminent end of summer.  However, the most notable change:  it’s starting to be dark dark when I wake up in the morning.

I normally wake up at 5:30am and one of my favorite things about summer is getting up in the morning and being greeted by a bright sunny morning.  A cool, sunny, summer morning in the early hours just after dawn is hard to beat!  I love going for a walk or heading off to some outdoor adventure on mornings like this!  The air is still and cool, the temperatures haven’t become too hot yet, the colors are so vibrant from the light cast by the sun that is low on the horizon, and not many people are up and about yet, especially on the weekends.  They don’t know what they’re missing, but I don’t mind.  It makes me feel like I have the whole morning to myself.

So for me, it’s always a little disheartening, to see the first few dark mornings in the waning days of summer, because it reminds me that winter and its dark, rainy, cold mornings is not far behind.  Those first dark mornings also remind me of something else:  to enjoy and appreciate each remaining summer morning as much as I can, before the season is over.

There are a lot of other things in life that we only have the opportunity to enjoy it for a season like:

  • Living in a specific neighborhood, city or state that we really enjoy, but eventually decide to leave for other opportunities.
  • Good friends we enjoy spending time with, who move away or whose life circumstances make it more challenging to spend the time with them that we once did.
  • Children, who eventually move out to attend college, join the military, or to follow other pursuits.

While it can be tough to experience the loss of relationships, places, or things as we’ve always known them, I think it should also remind us to be mindful about enjoying and appreciating those people, places, and things that make us happy and bring a joy…  while we currently have them.

Enjoy the time you spend with those people most important to you and actively engage with them.  Really experience the places you love to visit and the things you love to do. Be present.  Be grateful.  And take nothing for granted.   That way you’ll feel like you took full advantage of the time and experiences you had… in the season you had them.

Are You Squandering Opportunities to Make Memories

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Last Tuesday evening at 9:30, my mom called up with an interesting problem.

My 93 year old grandma (aka Granny) had spent the last couple weeks visiting Oregon from Colorado and was scheduled to fly back home the next morning.  In order to ensure Granny had a smooth trip and made her connections, my mother was going to fly back with Granny from Portland to Salt Lake City, then from Salt Lake City to Grand Junction, where Granny’s other daughter would be waiting to take possession.  After the successful “Granny transaction”, my mother would then hop on a plane to retrace her route back to Portland.

The problem was that my mother was currently suffering from a bad bout of vertigo and wasn’t in any condition to drive a car or hop on an airplane in the next 24 hours.  Granny’s flight was scheduled to leave in less than 9 hours.  She asked if I would be willing to fly with Granny back to Grand Junction the next morning.

This was certainly not what I thought I would be doing the next day before the phone rang.  My initial reaction to the request was to think of all the things I had to do the next day, and how fulfilling this request really wasn’t possible.  As a few seconds passed and I thought further, there really wasn’t anything that was so critical that it couldn’t be delegated or even wait a day until I got back.  My initial thoughts quickly dissipated and I began to see this request as an unexpected opportunity for an adventure.  I would always have routine work related things to do, but how often would I have the opportunity for a trip like this with my lively and spirited Granny?  I said, “Yes”.  I’m so glad I did!  Not only did we make a lot of memories, we had a great time.

Granny

Sometimes our initial reaction to a new request or opportunity is to quickly determine why it won’t work or why we “can’t” do it.  I think this type of reaction serves only as a factory to crank out lame excuses to keep us from venturing outside of our comfort zone.  How can we ever expect to have new and memorable experiences if we think no further than our initial reaction telling us why something can’t be done?

Start recognizing this initial reaction in you when you’re presented with a new adventure or opportunity, and begin to think in terms of “why not?” and say, “Yes!” to these opportunities as often as you can.  Not only will you have fun making memories and experiencing new adventures, you’ll have a more exciting and interesting life as well.

How Will it Affect Them

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Have you ever had something that you wanted to do that you knew would cause stress or anxiety to someone close to you?  What did you do?  How did you make a decision in light of the other person’s anxiety?

I was listening to a podcast this week where a married couple was talking about life stuff and sharing some recent examples from their own marriage.  One of the spouses was planning on getting a tattoo, while the other was really anxious and struggling with the decision, hoping their spouse would not go through with it.  The struggling spouse realized that it was not their decision to make and acknowledged that they had no right to tell their spouse not to get the tattoo.  The spouse getting the tattoo also agreed that it was their decision alone to make.

What struck me about the spouse getting the tattoo was how they didn’t seem have any concern for the anxiety or concerns of their partner.  There didn’t appear to be any consideration given to struggle and stress their other-half was having, and the message that was indirectly communicated multiple times was, “you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

I’m not saying that we need to make all of our decisions based on what other people think.  That would be ridiculous.  However, when we know in advance that our decisions will have a negative impact on those closest to us; I think it warrants some extra thought on our end, and certainly some honest discussion with each other.

Those closest to us are close for a reason.  They’re important to us. We like being around them.  We love them.

When faced with a decision that could negatively impact a loved one, be sure to spend the necessary amount of time communicating, which is both talking AND listening, so you know exactly where they’re coming from.  Based on the feedback you get, and the importance of what you’re considering, you’ll be able to make a decision that, although it may still cause the other person stress and anxiety, will communicate that you wanted and considered their point of view as part of your decision making process.

Throw Something Out There

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Sometimes all that’s needed is an idea, even if it’s a bad one.

Have you ever been I a group where a decision needs to be made, but no ideas or suggestions are coming?  I have!  (In fact, I was in one such meeting less than 2 hours prior to writing this blog.)  These gatherings can be frustrating because the focus of the group seems be on the problem versus finding a solution.

Sometimes I find that what’s needed most in this scenario is an idea, any idea, just to cause people to start thinking and narrowing down the discussion toward a decision.  Throwing out an idea, be it good, bad, or ugly, gets the conversation off of the problem, and focuses it on a solution.

Say you throw out a bad idea to solve the problem at hand and no one in the group likes it.  Great!  The group’s negative reaction to the idea is the spark that begins the conversation toward a better idea, and ultimately a solution and course of action.

Don’t worry about looking dumb or foolish.  Instead, focus on starting the conversation and navigating discussion toward a solution.  Specifically, ask others what they think of the idea or what they don’t like about it or how they would change it.  Use their ideas to build on the initial bad idea.  Instead of trying to be the one that comes up with all the great ideas, focus on being the one that can take input from the group  and orchestrate solutions by leveraging the knowledge and wisdom of its members.

Look for opportunities this week to throw out initial ideas and then help others to shape and build them into a viable solution to the problem at hand. You’ll become a valuable contributor to your team and a person of action; a person who causes something to happen.

Remember Your Good Samaritans

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Can you remember a time when you were assisted by a Good Samaritan?  Perhaps you were stuck, lost, in need, or even scarred, and someone came by and offered the very assistance you needed at the very moment you needed it, and they didn’t want anything in return.

I think we’ve all had a moment, or moments, like that.  For me I can think of more than once when I was helped by Good Samaritan, and each time I felt a strong sense of gratitude.  I’ve attempted to show my thanks with some dollar amount, but I’ve always been turned down.  These people just helped me out without expecting, or wanting, anything in return.

I was reminded of the good Samaritans in my life recently when I got to play this role, along with several others, for 2 people who had got their car stuck in some gravel at a trailhead.  We all got together and pushed their car out and they were on their way, extremely grateful that some good Samaritans were there to help them out.

That incident also reminded me of the ability we all have to be good Samaritans in the lives of others.  After we helped the 2 peoples get their car unstuck, I thought about how grateful I was to the people that helped me in the past and felt that in some way, I was paying back their kindness to me by helping someone else.

Try something this week.  Think about the Good Samaritans in you past and be aware of opportunities to honor them by freely helping out someone else in need.  Not only will it make you feel good, you’ll probably encourage them to do likewise for someone else in their future.

 

Leave Room for Someone Interesting

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My wife and I were recently flying from Portland Oregon to Phoenix Arizona on Southwest Airlines.  On Southwest, prior to boarding, you line up at the gate according to your assigned boarding number and select your own seats once you get on the plane.  As we boarded the aircraft, I moved into a window seat and my wife sat on the aisle seat, leaving a vacant seat in between us.  When I asked what she was doing she said the flight wasn’t full and wanted to keep the row of seats to ourselves.

I noticed other people had been doing this also, in an effort to avoid having to sit by a stranger.  After she told me what she was doing, I suggested that she scoot in the middle seat to leave the aisle seat open, because someone interesting might sit there.  She didn’t seem too thrilled with my idea.

As the plane became fuller, her plan began to crumble and she eventually had to move to the middle seat next to me to make room for other passengers.  We were fortunate to have a kind and interesting lady sit next to us that who shared some of her life experience, as well as provided some vacation suggestions for our destination.  We had a great conversation and were able to connect with another human being who we had not even known prior to our flight.  It was a nice way to pass the time.

As we got off the plane, said our good byes, and parted ways, I was thinking about how enjoyable the conversation was and how easily we would have never met that nice lady, had we not left room for her.

It’s easy to keep our guard up and stay detached from people we don’t’ know.  We’re taught as youngsters not to talk to strangers.  This is good when you’re young, but I think as we get older and more discerning, leaving room for opportunities to connect with people we don’t know is crucial to expanding our thinking and connect with other people.  How boring and small our lives would be if we limit our interactions to only those people we already know.  Think about this:  all the people you already know were at one point strangers.

Cause something to happen in your life that leaves room for you to connect with interesting people.  Leave a seat open next to you, greet the person sitting next to you at an event or in line, and smile more.  You’ll create opportunity to connect with and learn from others in ways you wouldn’t have experienced before.  And who knows, you may even meet someone interesting.

We’re Not That Different

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The disappearance of Malaysian Air Flight 370 has dominated the news for several weeks.  This story is especially heart breaking when you begin to think about the family members of the passengers who will never see their loved ones again.  I can’t imagine the pain and grief they must be experiencing.

One recent news broadcast showed some of these family members after they were given news about the search results (or lack of results).  The family members shown on the broadcast were all from China, and experiencing very real and very raw emotional responses to the fact that no one knew where their loved ones were.  Although I couldn’t understand what they were saying, I could tell from their wailing and facial expressions that they were hurting and struggling with the fact that life without their loved ones was becoming a reality.

Seeing these suffering people of another culture half a world away caused me to realize just how similar people of different cultures usually are.  Although the family members on the news spoke a different language and have different customs and norms than I do, they have family and people in their lives that they love.  Just like me.  And when those people are suddenly taken away, they are severely impacted and feel the loss in a painful way, just like I would.

It’s easy to look at people from another culture, or part of the world, and think them strange or weird because they are different from us.  But on a human level, we’re all wired for community and to love and be loved.  In this regard, there is great cross cultural similarity. This commonality is a great place to start building connections and understanding with people of different cultures.

I’m fortunate to have worked with a lot of people from India during my career.  I’ve enjoyed learning about their lives in India, their families, and their culture.  It has really opened my eyes to the world beyond the borders of North America.  Do you work with, or live next to, or regularly cross paths with people from a different culture that you don’t know that well?  If so, here are a few suggestions to help you make a connection and show that you are interested in learning more about them and their culture:

  •          Ask them about their families and how they interact with each other:  siblings, parents, spouses, children, grandparents.
  •          Read a book about their culture and ask them specific questions about something you read that you found interesting or didn’t understand.
  •          Ask them how to pronounce their name and practice pronouncing it correctly.

o   Ask if they have any nick names they prefer being called.

Cause something to happen that broadens your understanding of the world by interacting with people who differ culturally from you.  Remember that they’re people who have loved ones they care about just like you.  It’s a great way to connect with others and to increase your understanding of people on a more global scale.