human relations

Before You Respond Negatively…

/ Scott / Leave a comment

Have you ever received a negative or unkind email from a friend or family member?  I’m talking about from people who don’t normally send emails like that.

My wife and other members of her family received an email from one of her siblings recently, expressing their displeasure over how a current family situation is being handled.  The sibling’s email expressed blame and disappointment at family members and was not well received.

It would be so easy to let emotion take the lead, and respond negatively to this email. However, all that usually proves to do is make the situation worse.

I’ve written in a previous blog that there is a space between a stimulus (like a negative email) and our response to it.  I think this is some important to remember, especially when we may be feeling emotionally charged or fired up by a stimulus.

As I was talking to my wife about the email, I began wondering caused them to send the email.  What was the reason?  I wondered what they were dealing with that caused them to send the email.  Perhaps the family situation was causing the sibling to feel:

  • Fear
  • Regret
  • Anger
  • Hopelessness
  • Shame
  • Helplessness
  • Frustration
  • Guilt

Maybe I’m wrong, but I would guess that most negative emails are sent, not because the sender is a jerk, but because the sender is feeling one or more of the emotions above.  Perhaps even some additional emotions not listed.  I certainly think this is the case with my wife’s sibling. As I look at the email from this angle, it’s easy to see the sender, not as a jerk, but as a hurting human being.

The next time you receive a negative email, phone message, or any other form of communication, try to look past what’s being said and see if you can determine why it was delivered.  What is the sender dealing with?  Are there certain feelings and emotions in play?  Are they struggling, hurting, or making a poor attempt express a thought our concern?

Avoid the desire to be negative and lash out in return.  You just may save a relationship.

Filling in the Blanks

/ Scott / Leave a comment

I’m currently reading a very interesting book by Cleveland Clinic’s Customer Experience Officer James Merlino, MD titled, “Service Fanatics:  How to Build Superior Patient Experience the Cleveland Clinic Way”.  In the book, Dr. Merlino discusses the different aspects of providing a quality experience for the clinic’s patients.  One section that I found particularly interesting was the reality that when patients lack information, they tend to fill in the blanks.

Dr. Merlino talks about how a patient that has been admitted to a hospital most likely has all day to lay there and think almost exclusively about their condition and the illness or injury that ails them.  Their condition is likely the “big thing” on their mind, causing them to think about how it may affect their future, what could go wrong, or a host of other concerns.

As a result, patients are eager for information from doctors and other care givers about their condition and in the absence of information from their caregivers, patients start to fill in the blanks for themselves.  If the patient had a test that the doctor ordered, and they haven’t received the results from their doctor shortly thereafter, they may start to wonder whether the doctor has received the results or whether the results showed something bad that the doctor isn’t telling them or a whole host of other, usually negative, scenarios.

This got me thinking, although I’m not a doctor, have I ever caused someone to fill in the blanks because they were waiting for a response from me regarding a topic that was extremely urgent or important to them?  I’m sure I have.  I’m also reminded that what may seem normal, routine, or of low priority to one person may be totally new uncharted and even scary territory for someone else.

As we’re going through life and setting our priorities at work, home, and in our communities, let’s be aware of those we’re interacting with and scenarios they’re facing.  If they’re facing something critical and need information from us, let’s provide it quickly.  If we can’t provide it quickly, let’s at least keep people informed on our progress, so they’re not left to fill in the blanks.

All I’ve got is a 5

/ Scott / Leave a comment

Imagine you need change for a 10 dollar bill (USD).  You ask someone next to you if they have change for a 10, to which they reply, “All I’ve got is a 5”.  That’s not what you want to hear.  You want change for a 10, not a 5.  You may get frustrated or upset because the other person doesn’t have change for a 10, but the reality is, that the most this person can give you is a 5.

It can be like that in your relationships with those closest to you, especially with family.

Picture an interaction rating scale ranging from 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst possible interaction (yelling, fighting, abusive language, a lack of caring or interest in you) and 10 being the best interaction imaginable (kind words of love and affirmation, good spirited laughter, and an appreciation of your presence).

Now envision going to a family event where you’ll encounter a family member whose interactions usually come in around a 3 or 4, with the occasional rare 5.  Perhaps it’s a parent, a spouse, a child, sibling, or grandparent.  If this person is someone close to you, you may find yourself hoping, even expecting, that this time your interaction will be closer to a 9, maybe even a 10!  Perhaps this time, they’ll speak kindly to you and finally tell you how much they love and appreciate you.

This expectation is unfair to the person you are interacting with.  If, on their best day, they are only capable of giving you a level 5 interaction, and you’re expecting a 10, you are not only setting yourself up for disappointment, you are setting them up for failure.

Here’s something to try at your next family get-together this holiday season.  Instead of starting from the place of expecting a level 10 interaction, consider what the person is capable of offering, and adjust your expectations accordingly.  If the best they can offer is a 6, set your expectations at a 4 or 5.  They just might surprise you with a 6.  Wouldn’t it be better to be surprised by a 6 when you were expecting a 4, than to be disappointed by a 6, when you were expecting a 10 that was never going to happen?

It’s worth mentioning that if interactions are always on lower end of the scale, you should consider putting some healthy boundaries in place, which may involve drastically reducing, or even eliminating, your interactions with this person.

We can choose to have unrealistically high expectations of certain people and set ourselves up for disappointment, or we can lower our expectations to realistic levels that other person can achieve.

Just remember, we can never get change for a 10 from someone who only has a 5.

Adding or Subtracting

/ Scott / Leave a comment

I had a great Thanksgiving this year.  In the morning we had brunch with a small gathering at our house and in the afternoon we had dinner with family at my sister in-law’s house.  Both events were enjoyable and it was fun to see everyone and spend some time together.  It was a nice Thanksgiving.

At my sister in-law’s, there was a family member who was absent, due to illness and declining health.  Toward the end of the evening my sister in-law commented that it was nice not having the family member present because that way she didn’t feel on edge wondering if they were going get upset and start yelling, as they so often have in the past, thus turning what should be a fun family event into an awkward, tension filled evening.  This was clearly a case of addition by subtraction; the absence of this family member made for a more enjoyable evening for everyone else.

As I reflected on this comment, I couldn’t help think of my interactions with others and wonder if there have been times where an event would have been enhanced by my absence.  To think that the answer to this question would be “Yes”, is an awful feeling, especially if those answering are family and the people closest to me.  I never want my absence from a gathering or event to be considered addition by subtraction.

This seems like a pretty easy scenario to avoid.  If you want to be seen as someone whose presence adds to an event, then employ the following suggestions the next time you gather with family or friends:

  • Be kind to others. Greet people by name when you arrive.    Shake hands or give out hugs.  Let others in attendance know you’re glad to be part of the event with them.
  • Take the focus off of yourself and place it on others. Ask how people are doing and what they’re up to, and show an interest in their reply.  If you know of somewhere they’ve been recently, or something currently going on in their life, ask them about it and then listen to and comment on their reply.
  • Enjoy the moment and be present with the people you’re with. Put down the smartphone.  Wait until you get home to check social media.  Instead of being so eager to inform everyone who’s NOT at the event about what’s going on, engage and connect with those present.  That’s the ultimate in social media.

As you attend different events this holiday season, do so with the intent of being someone who’s presence enhances the event for others attending.  Let it be said of you that events which you attended were much more enjoyable because of your presence.   What a great gift to give people this holiday season.

Does it Matter

/ Scott / Leave a comment

Does it really matter whether or not we hold the door open for someone behind us?  What about saying “Thank you” to the grocery store clerk or letting the waiter at the restaurant know that we appreciate their service?  How about:

  • Scooting over on a crowded bus or subway so someone can sit it the seat next to you instead of stand?
  • Letting someone behind you in the checkout at the grocery store go in ahead of you, because they only have a couple of items?
  • Sending a thank you note to someone deserving?

What difference does it make if we do any of these things or not?  Are they even worth doing?  Does it even matter?  I’d say that it most certainly does matter

When we spend our days ignoring people we cross paths with, we can begin to see people only as objects that have little value beyond what they can do for us in the short-term.  The longer we do this, the easier it will be to become detached and disengaged from the people around us, willingly thwarting opportunities to connect with others and hear their ideas and perspectives.  Some of which may have been beneficial to us.  As a result, our world shrinks, becoming small and self-centered.  I certainly don’t want to live in a world where I’m the center.  What a small world that would be.

We also forfeit opportunities to brighten the world of those around us when we fail to acknowledge or encourage others who help us, provide a service, or who are just in close proximity to us.  That may not sound like a big deal, but I can’t think of anyone I know who doesn’t appreciate a kind word, an encouraging word, or a heart-felt thank you.  I know I do.  It makes me feel good and has a positive impact on my day.  I’ll bet it does for you too!  If we appreciate that, doesn’t it seem reasonable that those around us would appreciate it too?

When we say, “Thank you”, or offer encouragement, or give someone our place in line, we do the following:

  • Acknowledge their presence and worth
  • Let the know that we appreciate their contribution
  • Communicate to them that they matter as fellow human beings

We are fortunate that we can influence our world by how we acknowledge (or not) those around us.  We can ignore and dismiss others, leaving a cold impersonal wake behind us, or we can choose to acknowledge our fellow humans with a kind words or actions.

I love the quote from Gandhi that says, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”  Have you ever thought that the world is becoming ruder, more isolated, more impersonal, more…?  If so, here’s your chance to put Gandhi’s quote into practice.  Begin acknowledging those around you with kind words or actions.  Try this for a week and see if it doesn’t brighten the world of those around you.  My guess is that it will begin to brighten your world as well.

Art and Artists

/ Scott / 2 Comments

A couple of months ago my wife and I were on vacation, hiking in Southern Utah.  While we were passing through the small community of Bluff UT, we stopped in at Comb Ridge Coffee for lunch.  While we were there, I bought a tumbler created by one of the local artists.  I was captivated by its shape, colors and feel and have enjoyed drinking ice water from it every day since arriving home.  Not only is it a functional beverage container, it is a beautiful piece of art.

Tumbler

At first, it seems strange to refer to a beverage container as art.  Usually when I think of art, an image of a painting usually comes to mind, or a song, photograph, or statue.  However, art can be broadly defined to include anything done to an exceptional level or an extraordinary degree.

With this new art paradigm, my boundaries of what art is just exploded!  Now, I see so much art around me.  Things I never would have considered art before.  Things like:

  • Quality relationships
  • Exceptional marriages
  • Extraordinary parenting
  • Superior leadership

In addition to my expanded definition of art, I also now see myself as an artist.  Not as one who always creates exceptional or extraordinary results, but as one who is simply striving to do so.

It’s easy to tell ourselves, “I’m not an artist because I can’t draw, paint, sing …”, but that’s no longer true.  This new paradigm, where anything done to an exceptional level or extraordinary degree is art, grants all of us great opportunity to become artists of our own lives.  No longer is our form of artistic expression limited to paint, canvas, or clay.  Now we can be artistic with the words we use to communicate, the care we take in building and cultivating important relationships, or the method we use to learn and explore the environment around us.

Today, begin seeing yourself as an artist and your life as the medium for creating a beautiful work of art.  The world needs the beauty of the art you are capable of creating.

Zig Was Right

/ Scott / 2 Comments

“You can get anything you want in life, if you help enough other people get what they want.”

~ Zig Ziglar

This is a classic quote from legendary speaker Zig Ziglar that I have been aware of for several years.  While I have always understood what Zig was saying in this quote, I never really got it until this week, when I was awarded my first voice over job.

The experience was an “ah-ha” moment for me.  I wasn’t awarded the job because I had a better voice than anyone else who auditioned.  (I’m not bad, but I’m no Morgan Freeman or James Earl Jones!)  The reason I was selected for this job is because I was helpful to the client.

The audition notes stated that the client would be open to suggestions for improving the script.  Since they asked, I made some changes to the script, which caused it to read better, without changing the spirit of their message, and submitted my audition.  When I was awarded the job, the client mentioned they liked that I had taken the time to make changes to the script and liked how it now read.  It felt good to be awarded the job, but it felt even better to know that I added value to the client’s project.  I felt good knowing that I had helped them.

This experience reminded me of Zig’s quote and the truth behind the principle of being helpful and useful to others first, rather than first seeking what we want and what we can get for ourselves.

Where in your life do you have opportunities to be helpful to others?  I’m not talking being helpful in a manipulative way, where you expect something in return.  I’m talking about offering your skills and talent to others to help them with their struggles and challenges.  Begin looking for opportunities to be helpful to those around you.  Not only will it make you feel good and benefit those you’re helping, you’ll most likely find that others will be eager to help you get what you want as well.

Do This Well

/ Scott / Leave a comment

Every so often a significant life event comes along that is out of the ordinary and demands more from us than habitual, automatic responses we usually employ during the routine of daily life. Examples of these events can range anywhere from:

  • An major illness or diagnosis of yourself or a loved one
  • A divorce
  • The impending death of someone close
  • A conflict at work or in a community that has potential to get ugly

No matter what the event is, it’s usually out of our normal routine, emotionally charged, and demands our engagement.

In the past I use to react to these situations based on whatever emotion I was feeling at the time.  Although it was easy, it never produced the outcome I wanted.

About 6 years ago I found myself in a leadership position in the middle of a large community disagreement.  Sides were being taken up and I could see early that it would be getting ugly before it got better.  In the midst of the rapid decline, I remember thinking to myself that although this is going to be a difficult, emotional situation, as far as for me, I want to “do this well”.

For me the standard that I use to define “well” are the principles and guidance found in scripture.  With scripture as my standard, I have a benchmark to measure whether or not I am treating others with respect, understanding, and grace; whether or not I am “doing this well”.

By deciding to “do this well” early in a bad situation, I am mindful and deliberate in my choice of words and actions.  I am constantly aware of keeping my emotions in check and not lashing out and saying or doing something hurtful that could have long-term relational implications well after the situation is over.

Does deciding that I want to “Do this well” mean I handle everything perfectly?  Not in my case!  Does it mean that people will never get upset with me?  Hardly!  What I strive for in these situations is for people involved to say, “I may not agree with what he said, or how he handled that, but I will say, he was respectful to me and was not out to intentionally cause harm to me or others involved.”

“He did that well.”

We are blessed to be able to choose how we respond to a situation, so why not decide to “do this well” during life’s difficult situations?  Why not choose to treat people with respect, understanding, and grace?

The next time you face a challenging life situation, decide early that you’re going to do this well.  Not only will you set yourself up to see the positive and hidden blessings that exist within the situation, you’ll also come out of it better equipped to handle the next challenging situation life has for you.

Do this well!

An Opportunity to Practice

/ Scott / 2 Comments

When I think of someone practicing, I think of a golfer going to the driving range, or in musician dedicating time to practice with their chosen instrument.  But what if you want to work on your human relations and communications skills, or develop some personal habits to live a healthier lifestyle?  How do you practice those skills?

Suppose I told you that you could practice skills like these during the course of your day, without setting aside a specific time to do so.  Interested?  Read on.

Every day we have untold opportunity’s to practice a behavior or develop a habit, simply by actively seeking out opportunity’s to do so.  For example:

  • Do you have a co-worker you struggle to communicate with? See every interaction with that person as a practice session to try a new techniques or method and improve your communication skills.
  • Are you trying to overcome shyness? Look for opportunities to practice overcoming shyness by starting up a conversation with a new person each day, or simply up start by saying “hello” to someone new.
  • What if you’re trying to lose weight or eat healthier? Look at each meal, snack, or craving as an opportunity to practice a healthy alternative.

What personal skills that you’re trying to develop would benefit from more practice?  Have you identified it?  Good!  How look for opportunities in your everyday routine to practice those skills.  However, if you really want to speed up your progress, seek out multiple opportunities every day.

Once you start looking, you’ll find numerous opportunities to practice the habits and behaviors you want to improve.  Before you know it, you’ll find yourself more competent and growing ever-closer to becoming the person you strive to be.

Choose the Real Thing Instead of a Cheap Imitation

/ Scott / Leave a comment

If cost were no issue, which would you rather have:

  • An authentic Rolex or a cheap knock off
  • The Hope diamond or a rhinestone
  • An authentic painting by Rembrandt or an imitation

We all want the real thing instead of a cheap imitation, right?  Then why do we so willingly exchange real, authentic, in-person interactions with those closest to us, for a cheap imitation of social media and electronic communication with people who aren’t even there?

Before we go any further, let me just say that I am not against social media, e-mail, texting, or any other form of electronic communication.  I use many of them myself, and think they are great tools for communicating and staying connected.  However, I do think they are a barrier to communication when we use these tools while in the presence of our loved ones, taking our attention away from them, in order to observe the lives of other people that aren’t even present.

We’ve all seen the couple or group setting together at a restaurant or public place, where someone in the party has their face buried in their smart phone, totally ignoring everyone around them.  They obviously think enough of the person or people they’re with to be seen in public together.  Yet the smart phone appears to be more interesting, more important, than the people they are physically present with.

What kind of message does this send to the people we’re with when we consciously choose to interrupt our interaction with them in order to answer the slightest noise or vibration from our smart phone?  Does this make them feel valued, appreciated, respected, or loved?  Perhaps, but I doubt it.

One of my greatest experiences of someone showing me value and respect was early in my career, before smart phones were even popular.  I was new in my position and needed guidance from Anne, an expert in her department who was in high demand as a senior talent at our organization.  I scheduled some time on her calendar and was sitting in her office as she was explaining how our systems and applications work.  During our meeting her phone rang, but Anne didn’t budge.  Normally, people in our organization would have just answered the phone, regardless of whether someone was sitting in their office, so I was kind of expecting her to do likewise.  After a couple of rings I said, “Did you want to get that?”  Her answer blew me away.  Still ignoring the ringing phone, she said, “No.  I’m talking with you right now.”

I can’t remember a time since then in my professional career when I have felt more acknowledged, valued, and appreciated than Anne made me feel that day, all by simply giving me her uninterrupted attention.

Is there someone in your life who would love to feel valued and appreciated by the gift of your uninterrupted attention?  Starting today, look for opportunities to unplug from the grid momentarily and simply enjoy being in the presence, the uninterrupted presence, of those you love and care for.  Choose the genuine, authentic experience of being an active participant who is focused on the person or people that are present with you, instead of settling for a cheap imitation of being a virtual spectator to someone else’s life who isn’t even there.  The people you’re with will notice.  Your actions will tell them that you value and care enough about them to give them your undivided attention.

What a great gift to give to others… as well as to receive.