human relations

They Can Both Be True

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We like black and white absolutes.  This is good and that is bad.  This person is nice, that person is mean. 

We like these absolutes because their easy to understand.  However, as you’ve probably notice, no everything is so black and what.  In fact, sometimes opposing realities can exist at the same time.

I have a friend whose dad passed away on Christmas day several years ago.  In his case, is Christmas day a good day or a bad day?  Is it a day to look forward to or a day to anticipate with grief.  Is it filled with joy or sadness.

The answer is, “Yes”.

Sometimes the comfort and certainty of black and white is replaced with diametrically opposite realities.  In my friend’s case, Christmas can be a day of great joy, while at the same time being a day of sadness and loss.     

I’ve found in my own life that it’s helpful to acknowledge scenarios when two or more opposite realities are true at the same time.  Beyond just acknowledging, it’s also helpful to learn to hold those 2 realities at the same time.  One doesn’t have to be true while the other is false.  They can both be true at the same time. 

They’re Not Worthless

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I was having a conversation this week regarding someone’s professional performance.  Truthfully, their performance appears to be below standards with regard to follow through and customer service.  The person I was having this conversation with said of the professional, “They’re worthless!”  I strongly disagreed, and stated why.

 As a Jesus-follower, I believe we are all made in the image of God, as scripture teaches.  That alone imbues each of us with a tremendous sense of worth.  While someone’s performance, in a certain area or in a particular instance, may be sub-par, that does NOT mean that the person themselves is worthless.

I’m trying to do a better job in my life of not just seeing people as worthwhile due to a set of attributes or character traits.  Rather, I’m working to see the value of people simply because they are fellow human beings.

Time Well Spent

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When my wife and I go away for a weekend, we usually like to get home around mid-afternoon on Sunday.  This gives us plenty of time to unpack, do chores, and ease into the upcoming workweek.  Last Sunday, we didn’t get home from our weekend away until 9:30 PM, and we’re glad we did.

As I mentioned in my previous post, we scheduled some time during our trip last weekend to see a friend on Sunday.  What was originally a couple hours together for lunch evolved into a whole day!  We all had a great day together that we will remember for many years.

If my wife and I were unwilling to deviate from our normal practice of getting home mid-afternoon, we would have missed an opportunity to spend a memorable day connecting with our friend.   We chose to spend our Sunday afternoon hours connecting, and it was time well spent.

Making Time

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My wife and I are going Ashland Oregon soon, to see some plays at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.  We’ve been there before, and enjoy seeing the excellent plays the festival has.  This year, we’re making time for something different.

A friend of ours recently moved to the area, so we contacted them to see if they’d be interested in getting together while we’re there.  They’re interested, so we’ll be getting together with them.  We’re all looking forward to seeing each other.

For me, it’s easy to think, “We’re too busy” or “They’re probably too busy” and therefore not make time to spend with others.  However, my wife and I have both been working at making time for opportunities to connect with others.  Yes, it takes more work, but it has always proven to be worth it.  It reminds me that connection with others doesn’t just happen.  We need to make time for it.

Commit In Advance

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Cascade Head is an Oregon Coast hike I like to do once a month.  While beautiful, the hike has some sections that are steep which do a good job of getting your heart rate up.  It’s a great hike for ensuring that I stay in “hiking shape” throughout the year.

There is a section of this hike about half way up that has great views, as well as a nice place to sit in the grass and take in the scene.  After this point, the hike gets steep and proceeds to the summit, where the views are even better!  If it’s a good workout you’re after, you want to proceed to the summit.

Whenever I do this hike for the purpose of a workout, I commit that, absent any significant weather threat, I’m going all the way to the summit.  The reason I decide on the summit in advance is because I don’t want to wait until the half-way point to “see what I feel like”. 

Without first committing to the summit, it would be too easy to get to the halfway point and decide I don’t feel like proceeding further.  Lacking advance commitment, I could easily decide half way up, that things are “good enough”:  the view, the workout, my effort.  Unless I commit beforehand, seeing the remaining steep section could easily cause me “not to feel like” proceeding.

I think it’s like that with a lot in life.  Unless we make commitments in advance, we can easily be held back from long term satisfaction and achievement, based simply on how we feel in the moment.   Consistently “not feeling like it” can have a negative impact to our health, finances, relationships, career, faith, and outlook on life.

Is there any area in your life that you need to commit in advance to?  If so, make the commitment(s) you need to, and follow through.

Don’t hold yourself back!

What People Are Carrying

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Earlier this week, my wife and I went to a presentation at our library on how the speaker was dealing with some grief and loss in his life through nature and being outside.  It was interesting to hear his story and how he was moving forward through his grief.  It also reminded me that I have no idea what the people I cross paths with on a daily basis are carrying.

Think about all the people you intersect with during a day: 

  • Friends
  • Co-workers
  • Clients
  • Cashiers
  • Service providers
  • People in the car next to you
  • The person behind you in line at the grocery store
  • Neighbors

Each one of those people is likely carrying a burden.  Whether it’s something small or large doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that they are carrying something that we likely know nothing about.

The presentation at the library not only reminded me of this reality, it also reminded that there is more going on in people’s lives than I am usually aware of, and that I would do well to keep this in mind, and treat others with grace and compassion. 

Being Aware

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This is the first year that the place I work is observing Juneteenth.  As I’ve learned more about what this holiday stands for, I’m reminded of the struggles and challenges that people have faced in the past.  I’m also reminded that most people around me are currently facing their own struggles and challenges today.

Think of all the people you cross paths with in a day.  Now consider the challenges they could be facing, that we aren’t even aware of.  A small list of possibilities might include:

  • Significant health issues
  • Trouble raising children
  • Financial concerns
  • Depression
  • Strained relationships
  • Mental health issues
  • Physical limitations
  • Loss of a loved one
  • Loss of hope
  • Loss of control
  • Social injustice
  • Isolation
  • Greif of what is
  • Greif of what never will be
  • Broken dreams
  • Broken promises
  • Perceived lack of purpose
  • Perceived lack of worth
  • Perception that they would not be missed if they were not here

It’s quite possible that someone reading this post is facing one or more of the challenges above.  Perhaps even you.  If so, wouldn’t if be affirming to have someone acknowledge the challenge you’re facing, and to do so without judgement, condemnation, or pithy platitudes? 

Here’s the good news:  we can be that for other people.  We can acknowledge when others are struggling.  We can offer a kind word, or perhaps no words at all, and just an arm around your shoulder.  There may be times where action is required from us to assist someone with a challenge, but I think the best place to start is with understanding, compassion, and grace toward our fellow humans.

Isn’t that what we’d want from others? 

Celebrate

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This time of year is filled with celebrations.  From end of school years, to high school and college graduations to Fathers Day, there is much cause for celebration.  Let’s make sure we’re taking time to do so.

I’m rather task oriented, so I like to be productive and check things off my list.  As such, it is very easy for me to look at what’s next, rather than stopping for a moment and celebrating milestones.  This is an area where I’m trying to be more intentional.  When we rush past celebrations, we rob ourselves of the joy that celebrations bring, especially when that celebration is done with others. 

Are there events you should be celebrating?  Is there a cause for celebration in your future, or in the future of someone you care about?  If so, don’t rush past it.  Take a break and celebrate.  And don’t worry, the items on your task list will be waiting for you when the celebration over.

A New Story

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As part of the work I do, I’m required to occasionally take proficiency exams related to the software we use.  Even though exams are multiple choice, they aren’t easy.  They require significant study and focus.  I usually do pretty good on multiple choice tests, but that wasn’t always the case.

Back in college, my multiple-test-taking-ability was not very good.  One of the main reasons why was because I use to tell myself, “I’m not any good at taking multiple choice tests.”  If I didn’t immediately know the answer to a question on a test, I’d usually just guess.  As you can imagine, this didn’t lead to great test scores.  It also reinforced the story I’ve been telling myself about how bad I was at test taking. 

When I first realized that exams would be a regular part of my tenure in my current position, I was worried.  Then I started thinking about why I was bad at test taking, and realized it wasn’t a sentence, but rather a story that could be changed.  So, I changed the story I was telling myself about my test taking abilities.  I started telling myself that, “I will easily pass tests on the first try because I will be prepared and will critically think about the answers I give, versus just guessing.”

Just like I became a poor test taker, because of the story I told myself in college, I have now become a good test taker who is prepared and easily passes because I decided to tell myself a different story about who I was.

Do you have story you’ve been telling yourself that hasn’t been serving you well?  If so, consider telling yourself a more encouraging story, and then start living into it. 

We Get To Decide

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Just a quick reminder this week, that we get to choose how we respond to events in our life. 

It’s easy to think that we can’t help ourselves, or to blame others (or our emotions) for how we respond to the stimulus in our life.  While we can blame, the truth is, we get to decide how we respond.

Let’s decide, and then follow through, on making good choices.