human relations

Being Curious

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I heard someone talking about mindfulness recently, in a way that I hadn’t heard it discussed before.  They mentioned that when you’re mindful, you’re able to be curious about how you’re feeling in a situation before you just automatically respond to it. 

For example, if a car cuts you off, is your first inclination to lay on the horn, assume the worst about the other driver, or worse?  (Yeah, me too!)  If, however, we’re being “mindfully curious” we might instead ask something like:

  • “Why am I so upset by someone else’s driving? “
  • “I wonder what caused them to do that?”
  • “Why do I feel the need to vent my frustration at this person?”
  • “Is this how I’d want another driver to treat me if I accidently cut them off in traffic?”   

I’ll speak for myself here, but it often seems like I have an autopilot of negative responses that assume the worst in people.  These responses manifest themselves in my thoughts, words, and behavior with hardly any effort on my part.  They feel almost automatic.

Being a person, whose knee-jerk reaction is to respond negatively, is not who I want to be.  As a result, I’m going to work on being more curious of how I feel when I want to react negatively, so that I can gain some perspective and make a better decision.  A decision that better aligns with the person I want to be. 

We Choose

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We get to choose how we behave.  We choose how we conduct ourselves, the words we use, our attitude and our outlook.  Ultimately, all these choices we make form us into the people we become and the lives we create.

While it’s easy to say that, “They made me…” or “I just can’t help it”, or any other lame derivative of those statements, remember that we ultimately choose how we behave.

What kind of choices are you making?

Having Each Other’s Back

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Last weekend as I was leaving the grocery store, I saw a man in the parking lot who had locked his key in his car, and was trying to retrieve them through his partially opened window.  From what I saw, it was obvious that he wasn’t going to be successful.

I then noticed another person, who had also seen what was going on, walk up to the guy’s car and offer to help.  This person apparently had smaller arms than the owner of the car, because they were able to rather quickly retrieve the keys from the car.  Apparently, the car owner’s dog was also locked in the car, so I’m sure the dog was as happy to be set free as the owner was to have his keys!

Although this may seem to be a small act, I’ll bet the owner of the car didn’t think it was. 

Let’s be on the lookout for simple ways we can “have someone’s back” who needs assistance.  If we were in a similar situation, wouldn’t we want someone to have ours?

Give The Process A Chance To Work

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I just got through spending time learning new riffs on the electric bass.  Learning a new riff is often frustrating for me because when I listen to someone playing the riff I’m trying to learn, it seems so easy.  Then I start playing it and I’m no where as smooth crisp as the recording I’m listening to.  For some reason I feel that I should be able to pick the riff up in just a couple of minutes, and play it as good as the person on the recording. 

HA!  That NEVER happens!

What I don’t see or hear in the recordings is all the practice that the person put with the riff in order to play it so well.  I’m just seeing the finished product, without any mention of the process to get to that point.  It makes perfect sense to me that I would have to go through the same process too, but still, I always feel a sense of frustration that the process isn’t much faster.

This frustration can drive us in 2 directions.  First, it can cause us to remember that it will take time to achieve mastery of the challenge we seek, and commit ourselves to putting in that time, or it can cause us to give up and walk away, without giving the process a chance to work.

As for me, I’m deciding to commit to the process.  Not just with the electric bass, but with other areas of life that require time before I achieve the results I seek. 

Whatever area of improvement you’re striving for, be sure to give the process a chance to work.

A Reminder

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This week I finished listening to the audio book “E.R. Nurses”, in which about two dozen ER nurses describe some of their experience.  It was eye-opening!

I work as an IT person for a hospital, so I am a little familiar with and emergency department.  However, I had no idea of the scenarios these nurses have on a regular basis.  The biggest thing that stood out for me was how often they have to jump from one tragic event to another, without much time to process what happened.  I am grateful for these nurses and the work they do.

The book reminds me that I often have no idea what struggles and challenges people are facing on a daily basis.  In light of that, I’m also reminded that I would do well to show grace to others. 

Slowing Down

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Based on a recommendation, I recently started reading the book “Mindfulness” by Gill Hasson.  One thing I realized, even before finishing the book’s introduction, was that I would have to slow down when reading this book.

Even in my early reading of this book, I found myself re-reading sections, marking passages and making notes in the margin.  There are also parts that are good for reflection and journaling.  None of this would be possible if I didn’t slow down.  In the case, the object is not to turn pages as quickly as I can, but rather to get the most out of the book that I can apply in my life.

I think there are many instances where we would do well to slow down.  Perhaps we should slow down in our interactions with those important to us and actually listen to what they saying and be present in our conversations.  We could even throttle back our pace and take greater notice of our surroundings, noticing the beauty that becomes invisible at speed.

Are there any areas in your life where you might benefit from slowing down?  If so, give it a try.  You might just be surprised by what you notice.

Kind Words

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This week a work I received a very kind email from someone that I completed a task for.  They were very generous with their comments in appreciation for the job I did for them.  Their email was a pleasant surprise, and made my day that much brighter.

It got me thinking how we can bless other people by sharing kind words of genuine appreciation with them.  Whether these words are spoken verbally, sent electronically, or hand written, they have the potential to brighten someone else’s day in a way they might not have expected.

Let’s be on the lookout for opportunities speak/write kindness.  And when we recognize an opportunity, let’s take advantage of it by liberally dispensing kind words to others.

When It’s Someone You Know

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One of the values at my church is personal connection with others.  The saying that goes along with this value is, “Because everything changes when it’s someone you know.”  I’ve found that to be true.

Our experiences shape our worldview, which makes sense.  However, our worldview is limited when seen strictly through the lens of our own experience.   When I connect with others and learn about their experiences, and hear their story, my worldview can change.  I can be changed in how I see the world based on someone else’s experience.

I have never been depressed, or homeless.  I have never been a parent or suffered with anxiety.  I have never owned a business or been responsible for making payroll.  But I know people who have, who have shared their experiences with me.  My thinking has changed on many topics as a result of knowing people and their experience. 

What a great way to broaden our worldview!  By seeing and connecting with people, we can learn how others experiencing the world around them, and possibly gain an understanding we didn’t have before.

Because everything changes when it’s someone you know.

What Made It Great

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Before I left on a fishing trip to Alaska last week, my wife asked me an interesting question: “What would make this a great trip?”  One could argue that the number and size of the fish we caught would make the trip great.  Perhaps coupling the catch with good weather would also be a good metric for the greatness of a trip.  My response, however had nothing to do with the fish or weather. 

Numbers and size of fish in Alaska are kind of a given.  That’s why people go there to fish.  There’s not much you can do to control the weather, so it seems strange to make that a barometer for greatness.  My answer was, to deepen relationships and create fun memories with the friends I went with, and to connect with the other people that would be there as well.

I’m happy to report that both things happened.  It was fun building memories with my friends over an activity we all like to do.  In addition, the other visitors at the lodge were enjoyable people and fun to connect with over coffee/tea before breakfast, dinner, and while on the rivers fishing.  It’s amazing to me how people who are total strangers one week, can have connection and several good memories the following week!

I’m always encouraged by how much similarity and connection we have with others when we spend time getting to know them.  It’s fun getting to know people and to have others get to know you as well.

When my wife picked me up at the airport, she asked, “How was your trip?”  To which I replied, “It was a GREAT trip!” 

Reaching Back

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This week at work, I had the opportunity to help a colleague use some software that I am very familiar with.  As I was helping him, I thought about my own journey, when I was learning what he was currently asking about.  I felt grateful to be able to help a colleague.

It’s important to remember our early struggles to gain experience.  Whether it’s being an adult, starting out in a career, marriage, parenthood, or just life in general, we’ve all gained some experience that someone coming behind us would be interested acquiring.

With that in mind, let’s be eager to share our experience with those who are seeking assistance, and can benefit from the experience we have.